Men. Was your plan to be a bachelor swarmed by hot women your whole life? Did you grow up thinking that marriage was just a part of the "American Dream" package? Or did you not even think of it?
It's interesting to think about where our perspectives on marriage are formed. Was it from TV (the Cleavers, Married with Children, or Princess fairy tales) and/or from watching our family's marital dynamics?
I grew up watching Married with Children and thinking my parents' dysfunctional relationship was the way marriage "worked", only to find that my mother's second marriage was where she found true love.
Matt grew up watching the Cleavers and his parents' seemingly perfect marriage, only to find out that they really weren't in love and were waiting to divorce 35 years later.
When I observe marriages, I'm always wondering what initially brought the two to marriage...a shared fear, a shared need, a common value, similar idiosyncrasies that can only be understood by the other.
So, why do we choose to marry? Why not just keep dating forever, without the formal religious/legal contract? Is it...
- A NEED to have someone by your side forever (or you'll just die)?
- A fear of being alone?
- A shared goal or value that could only be achieved with a lifetime commitment?
- An ultimatum by your partner at a crossroads of the relationship?
- A requirement by religion or tradition?
- Because you "have to" do it before having kids?
- Did you feel such an overwhelming sense of love that marriage was what you had to do about it?
- Were you pregnant?
- Was marriage just the natural "next step" to progress the relationship?
- Was it because everyone else your age was doing it?
- Did you just want to be able to sleep in the same bed at your parents' house?
- Did you think that s/he was the only person that 'gets' you in the whole world?
- Or was it a little of everything?
For Matt...It was the next step to keep the relationship progressing. (That said, progression can get unruly...three children later, we're finding new ways to "progress"!)
This gets to the matter of LOVE. We'll get to that on the next post.
Why did YOU choose to marry?
Or, better yet, why have you run from marriage?
Please post here instead of Facebook! KIM ;)
ReplyDeleteQ: "So, why do we choose to marry? Why not just keep dating forever, without the formal religious/legal contract?"
ReplyDeleteA: We have decided to date forever...that is one of the reason our marriage does work.
I grew up with parents who had a "perfect marriage" so I never questioned that "next step." Now, after having children, my best guess is that while my parents had (and still have) a wonderful marriage, is wasn't perfect and they had to work at it. I will certainly pass that lesson on to my children as I wish someone had told me that pre-marriage. I agree with the prior poster that dating forever is key. That's a wonderful way to put it.
ReplyDeleteI married my husband because I loved him, thought he was funny and because he was my balance. Now, I continue to love him because he is still funny (sometimes), he is my best friend and seeing him with the kids makes me realize I made the right decision.
I'm marrying my best buddy soon, because he is my best buddy...and the only person I can be my whole wacky self with and I'm accepted with no reservations. In fact, the things about me that aggravate others...those are the things he finds amusing, the things that make him love me more. I'm marrying him because he's my person and I'm his person and what better way to celebrate that is there than marriage?
ReplyDeleteLets see.. first time because I lost my virginity and base on my culture I have destroyed the family name. The second time because my ex put a divorce clause that I could not live with the man I love unless I was married or he would take the kids.(corespondent control)
ReplyDeleteBut this society laws are made in a way that requires marriage so decisions regarding our partner's medical/financial (if he cant due to a medical condition) can be be made with out much involvement of the law. It simplifies thing.
So, my husband and I decided to get marry so we could be together and not deal with more court shit, but we also decided to get a prenup to support what we truly believe OUR relationship would be based on. Maybe because we are older. But Marriage , to me,is like a contract. If you really mean what you say, put it in writhing.
I also think that marriage could be updated every 3-5 years, re-negotiate terms of satisfaction. That said my partner and I will sty together as long as we are BOTH satisfied with our relationship. No obligation. And it works for us. We uphold each other and at times even drive each other crazy. But our common value has been the well being of our children, the upholding the pursuit of happiness and growth. That is what brought us together. That is OUR building blocks. We also go back often the the core values of ESP. It center us. We are like two different molecules, Unique, but at times coming together like Hydrogen and oxygen to make H2O. And quench our thirst for each other.
Life always tosses your "never- statements" in your face- at least, it did so for me with marriage! For many years, I loudly proclaimed myself a "never to be married" woman. Raised in a culture that does not value marriage (anymore)other than for religious constraints. Witness of my parents' marriage that was (euh... IS!) more conflictual & distant than meaningful & connected. Independent. Seeking adventures and discoveries around the globe. Looking for Meaning in a life-long commitment rather than fulfillment of administrative formalities... And then came the administrative challenges of being part of a bi-national couple and the major decision whether to get married and live together (visa!) or hold on to pride and struggle to even give this promising strong relationship a go. Ten years later, we are still strongly committed to each other and to our marriage!
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